I need some inspiration...

Not even "Somewhere over the Rainbow" is helping. But that's okay. I just want some inspiration please.

I need inspiration to do what I want. I need motivation. I can't do this anymore. I can't get up without wanting to stay down. I can't spin without wanting to sit.

I can't do this anymore. This thing. I just want to go away.

I'm relapsing.

Honesty Box.

Stop trying to hurt me, just because you aren't good enough. Last time it was because you were jealous, now who knows the reason. But you can't break me.

If you don't like me, there's nothing I can really say. You have the chance to ignore me, annoy me, do what you want. The only thing I'm trying to do is be happy and the nicest thing I can say is get over it.

I'm not sure.

I'm not sure what to say anymore.
I'm not sure how to think.
I'm not sure who I want to hang out with.
I'm not sure what I want.

I don't want to go, because you're my best friend. I want to go because you're my best friend. I can't not go, but I've been looking forward to this day that had a possiblity of not happening, and now I'm stuck in the middle.

I'd choose him over you. He treats me better. But I need a friend too. But he's a better friend to me than you are.

What to choose. Him, or you...

Maybe I'll come over earlier, if it's alright...
Maybe if you'll let me, I won't stay for the night.

I can't leave you hanging on a thread, but you have others. But then you'll complain that I left you, when you're not even here.

I was so sure of what I wanted this past week. I was so strong and motivated.

Now I'm tired and unsure.

"this is the worst family in the world"

And your the biggest contributer.

"the wind up becoming a part of that person's life. And then they want the person to change." - Paul Coelho

When they loved me it was because I was conforming. Now they hate me because I am simply being myself.

You don't know what you've got until itsit's gone

Today I was thinking of baby names, and thought of my grandmas name for a middle name. Then I realized, why not have the middle name as my alive grandmas name?

Because I take advantage of the fact that she's around. All I want her to do is see all he grandchildren get married while she's healthy, and Ill be happy. I wish so much that she will live to those days.

I realized how important she really is in my life, and now I have to think of something for her birthday because I feel guilty. A scrapbook. We never get her anything too special. Just the usual blouse and necklace and candle and whatever we can find. Now Im goingto actually care for what I have in my life.

Family Matters

You know Carl Winslow on Family Matters? And how he always yelled at Steve? But he actually really, really, cared for Steve.

Well today I've been able to relate this matter to my family. (no pun intended)

I was arguing with my older brother, who was telling my 11 year old neighbor how smoking a cigar is safe because you don't inhale it. I told him different, and said it was just as bad as smoking anything in general. We continued to argue with him telling me how stupid I was because I am only a freshman in high school and don't know anything, nor have experienced anything because he went through rehab, and I told him how has he possibly learned anything when he failed half of high school, is taking classes at a community college that he doesn't even attend, and is only signed up because my mom doesn't want him to fail at life, and obviously hasn't learned anything and brain shrunk because that's what alcohol and smoking does to you. I also told him he went to rehab because he was depressed, and has no idea what he is talking about.

Although I know the fact that smoking a cigar is unsafe, not trying to be conceited at all, that is not my point.

My point is, is that I realized my parents and I argue with each other and my brothers because we simply care about the safety of our family. But I'm not sure I can say the same about my brothers. They don't understand that we are just trying to help them in life. They could care less as long as they have their laptop and xbox.

I'll always be saddened about my relations with my brothers in the future, but I know I'll try to be as close as possible to them and my parents. I really can't wait to marry into a strong family. I don't think I could marry otherwise.

Sometimes, I feel like I'm the last hope for my family.

Save us from ourselves

We can't ride bikes to school anymore... why?
The flowers don't grow in my yard anymore... why?
I can't go skiing there anymore... why?
I have to do all my homework on the computer... why?

The school keeps their computers running 24 hours, 7 days a week... why?
Our electric bill is too high... why?
There are too many people with cancer... why?
Too many people are being killed... why?
The recession never ends... why?

Why?

It is us. Humans. We are the problem.

The bike racks at school have disappeared. You have to drive to school in a vehicle.
The ground is filled with too many chemicals... I wonder where they came from...

School is switching to computers and technology for all education. My eyesight is getting worse and the rain is weathering away skin and bones.

The only way we know how to settle our differences is by killing.

Our leaders are too selfish to get out of the recession in an efficient way.

We are too selfish. That's the plain truth.

We are too selfish to want to save to world for our grandchildren, but the truth is we also have to save it for us.

If he don't stop it all now, we will be in misery. Not you're grandchildren, but you. You, and me, my friends, your family, my peers, your coworkers. We will all be suffering. It wouldn't even be sudden death. We are suffering now, but wait until we suffer later.

Are you going to wait until there are several outbreaks of massacres across America? Are you going to wait until our soil is no longer fertile?
Are you going to wait to use acid water?
Are you going to wait to poison yourself?
Are you going to wait to kill you family just because they have different beliefs?
Are you going to wait?

Are you?

We need to save us from ourselves. We all know how to, we just refuse to.

I am so desperate to tell you, I have to rely on a computer to spread my message. A message that isn't even spreading.

Save us. Save us. Please. Make us strong. Make us live.

Thanks, Obama

A few months ago anyone would address Bush. But will anyone address Obamas faults?

To be honest, Im not a fan of either Bush nor Obama, but Im not being biased when I say, was it the right choice to choose Obama?

What has he done to help the economy?

Where was he last night with his wife? How much money did he spend?

Our country is suffering while our President is spending while he can. If he really cared about us, then why isn't he contributing this money to the country? Flyingplace to place, driving restaurant to restaurant, buying for his wife and kids clothes and items that aren't neccessary. In the past month my to working parents realized they had no money to even buy food. My 52 year old father was planning on retiring in a few year before policies changed, but now he's not sure he could afford too.

Obama, what are you doing about this?

Will you buy your kids cars for their 16th birthday? Will you buy them their favorite toys, clothes, pets, foods. Send them to a decent school, and even have money to send them to college?

My best friend dreams of becoming a surgeon. This economy is preventing his family from even being able to move to the next town for a nicer and safer education, and no matter how great his grades are, he may never be able to earn the needed degree because he can't afford too get that far.

Both of my older brothers enherited cars from my grandparents when they turned 16, but I may never have a car until I am much older. I can't freely work without my parents hours clocked in, or go to practice without bothering them.

Obama, everyone had hope in you, so I had a little too. But it's all gone.

Don't tell me I can't

"I do not trouble my spirit to vindicate itself or be understood,"
-Walt Whitman, From Song of Myself

I will not listen to you when you tell me you can't.

I can't help save the world? I can't get people to listen?

I will get people to listen. It takes time. I am young, I am getting stronger. One day I will get my points across. One day someone will listen. One day, someone will care.

One day someone will actually look at this blog. One day, one day. It will only take one moment to look.

"I think if people see this footage, they'll say 'Oh, my God, that's horrible.' And then they'll go on eating their dinners. " -Jack, Hotel Rwanda

But they'll notice. It make take years for them to actually do something about it, but they will notice. They will see one day, I was right all along. I was right about the mistakes the Presidents have made, I was right about what will happen to America. I was right about what will happen to China and India. And I was right about what would happen to the earth.

Don't tell me I can't get them to notice. Don't waste your breath. I can do anything I set my heart to.

My existence on Earth was to tell you all a message. Please, just listen.

Video game addict.

It's all my fault when I make you pissed, because you frustrate me when you make me do something. I make you yell because I don't lay on my ass and play video games all day. I come home, relax, listen to you, do what you tell me to, try to do my homework, spend a little time practicing, then take your shit. I try to get the best possible grades, and I obviously have in the house. But if I sat on the couch and played video games, would you yell at me? Or is it because he's quiet and I actually run my own mind. He just has Grand Theft Auto and Call of Duty think for him.

Violence and laziness.
That's all he cares about. He doesn't care that you're upset, he cares that he has to deal with it. Do you know how mean he is? I try to be nice and tolerate you, but you're so frustrating because no matter what I do, it's wrong. I always have to do it over and over and over again. Whenever I have an opinion, you yell at me.

You screamed at me because I was concerned that you were driving in the middle of the street. I understand I don't have a license, but I obviously understand safety a lot better than you.

He can be your little puppet boy. Sit him down when you don't want to care for him. But he'll be the one that gets you sent to jail, in debt, and insane.

I don't care about him. He ruined everything I could possibly have. You and him were the reason I cry about everything. You're the reason I hate myself and everything I could possibly have. You're the reason I don't have what I used to.

When you need help, of course I'll have to be there because you burdened me with this guilt. You deserve to get help after what you when through with your parents, but I don't deserve to go through the same shit you went through with your brother.

But in my case, it's worse.

So here I am relapsing, with this depression that you didn't believe I have. Well the doctor and I both knew it. You just won't accept it because I'm not suicidal. I'd rather kill him, the one who is worthless than myself.

But I won't. This will only make me stronger. You will never help me get to where I will be. If you take credit, it will just be denied.

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday. You have you're friends an you know it. They love you, you love them. You hate others, they hate others. You joke, they joke. You seclude yourself, they follow you. You suclude someone else, they follow you again. You anticipate, they make you a cake.

I miss my steak. The steak that complained "I have no friends" but just looks around too much. She's right next to you, just like I was. You're just looking around. You don't need to look around, the most important person to you that will stand by you forever is right next to you day and night. She just can't tell you know because she doesn't want to fight.

And yet, I may not be fully alone. I have him. But what is he compared to my "friends"? My old friends. What friends do I have now? People say you're better off having one friend then none, but what happens when you're alone? Can you be your own friend? Or do you have to depend on the only things you have around you to be your friend.

And that's when I realize, my brother didn't lay around depending on everything for enterntainment because he was scared to hang out with his semi-friends. He just didn't have anyone to hang out with.

And I didn't hang around here on my down time because I was just tired. I was tired because I had no one. I was scared to take out because I had too much to lose, but when you're by yourself sitting in a room and letting your mind run, what else do you have to do? Let you go crazy? Or maybe you just go a little more sane.

It's better to be ditched than to ditch.

Happy Birthday.

I like to wander to find rest

You always hate that kinda of person, until you become them. Then you realize you hate yourself. if only you realized you were them the entire time.

Most of the reasons why we are unhappy with ourselves is because we are rejected by society.

I've wandered around this pond to rest for years. But i've pushed in and out with welcomes and rocks to walk around with no rest. New alliances, new threads are what makes up this quilt of chaos and success. "I like when the people I don't like have nowhere to stand." So does everyone else, until they become that person. You will never be. Your heart could never be crushed by the cards you play. Your life is a game of risk, and I'm the lonely spy who just wants a true friend. We all have said that we hate this society, but what keeps us coming back for more? Is it because we couldn't make a single friend on the outside? I'm just going to keep walking around with some place to rest. I'll try to only open my mouth when I need a bed, but I can't promise you that I won't also need a friend.

I'll always have an extra bed.

It doesn't matter how hard you try, some were meant to control, some to enterntain, some to hurt, some to love, some to tag a long, some to laugh, some to cry, and like me, some I wander. But no matter who you are, you will always be a ditcher.