I need some inspiration...

Not even "Somewhere over the Rainbow" is helping. But that's okay. I just want some inspiration please.

I need inspiration to do what I want. I need motivation. I can't do this anymore. I can't get up without wanting to stay down. I can't spin without wanting to sit.

I can't do this anymore. This thing. I just want to go away.

I'm relapsing.

Honesty Box.

Stop trying to hurt me, just because you aren't good enough. Last time it was because you were jealous, now who knows the reason. But you can't break me.

If you don't like me, there's nothing I can really say. You have the chance to ignore me, annoy me, do what you want. The only thing I'm trying to do is be happy and the nicest thing I can say is get over it.

I'm not sure.

I'm not sure what to say anymore.
I'm not sure how to think.
I'm not sure who I want to hang out with.
I'm not sure what I want.

I don't want to go, because you're my best friend. I want to go because you're my best friend. I can't not go, but I've been looking forward to this day that had a possiblity of not happening, and now I'm stuck in the middle.

I'd choose him over you. He treats me better. But I need a friend too. But he's a better friend to me than you are.

What to choose. Him, or you...

Maybe I'll come over earlier, if it's alright...
Maybe if you'll let me, I won't stay for the night.

I can't leave you hanging on a thread, but you have others. But then you'll complain that I left you, when you're not even here.

I was so sure of what I wanted this past week. I was so strong and motivated.

Now I'm tired and unsure.

"this is the worst family in the world"

And your the biggest contributer.

"the wind up becoming a part of that person's life. And then they want the person to change." - Paul Coelho

When they loved me it was because I was conforming. Now they hate me because I am simply being myself.

You don't know what you've got until itsit's gone

Today I was thinking of baby names, and thought of my grandmas name for a middle name. Then I realized, why not have the middle name as my alive grandmas name?

Because I take advantage of the fact that she's around. All I want her to do is see all he grandchildren get married while she's healthy, and Ill be happy. I wish so much that she will live to those days.

I realized how important she really is in my life, and now I have to think of something for her birthday because I feel guilty. A scrapbook. We never get her anything too special. Just the usual blouse and necklace and candle and whatever we can find. Now Im goingto actually care for what I have in my life.

Family Matters

You know Carl Winslow on Family Matters? And how he always yelled at Steve? But he actually really, really, cared for Steve.

Well today I've been able to relate this matter to my family. (no pun intended)

I was arguing with my older brother, who was telling my 11 year old neighbor how smoking a cigar is safe because you don't inhale it. I told him different, and said it was just as bad as smoking anything in general. We continued to argue with him telling me how stupid I was because I am only a freshman in high school and don't know anything, nor have experienced anything because he went through rehab, and I told him how has he possibly learned anything when he failed half of high school, is taking classes at a community college that he doesn't even attend, and is only signed up because my mom doesn't want him to fail at life, and obviously hasn't learned anything and brain shrunk because that's what alcohol and smoking does to you. I also told him he went to rehab because he was depressed, and has no idea what he is talking about.

Although I know the fact that smoking a cigar is unsafe, not trying to be conceited at all, that is not my point.

My point is, is that I realized my parents and I argue with each other and my brothers because we simply care about the safety of our family. But I'm not sure I can say the same about my brothers. They don't understand that we are just trying to help them in life. They could care less as long as they have their laptop and xbox.

I'll always be saddened about my relations with my brothers in the future, but I know I'll try to be as close as possible to them and my parents. I really can't wait to marry into a strong family. I don't think I could marry otherwise.

Sometimes, I feel like I'm the last hope for my family.